By Greg (VOSTROMO)
Ruling planet: Saturn
Symbol: Goat with a Fish tail (or as I like to call it, Who Spiked the Punch?)
Birthstone: Garnet
Element: You know those incredibly annoying unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag which you can’t see until you’ve stuck them in your mouth and started chewing and you could bust a tooth on them? Those things.
Capricorn. The most confused, ungainly astrological construct… the duck-billed platypus of signs, if you take away the elegance and grace. Cap… ri… corn. Even the name is awkward, like choosing a bottle of wine for the dinner at which you have a nagging feeling you may have misjudged your date’s sex.
And it’s an anagram of “circa porn” (which goes a long way towards explaining the likes of Jim Bakker or J. Edgar Hoover) — not to mention “I crap corn”. Goodness me.
From Wikipedia: “The constellation is located in an area of sky called the Sea or the Water.” M’kay. Be honest: did you know there’s an area of THE SKY called THE SEA? Of course not — you know why? BECAUSE THAT’S NUTS! But this zodiacal inner-ear dysfunction is evident everywhere: consider the symbol, the so-called “Sea Goat”. Goat — plus fish! FishGoat. Ummm… why is this anything other than what happened to Seth Brundle? Isn’t it what George Bush was railing against, and could he maybe have been right one month of the year? The whole point of goats is that they’re UP IN THE MOUNTAINS! Fish are DOWN IN THE OCEAN! Does nobody see this as something that needs quality psychiatric treatment, or some antibiotics? No wonder you have John Delorean (mega-successful businessman now synonymous with failure) and Mel Gibson (once a lethal weapon on screen, now a lethal weapon off).
And — hey — check it out: “It is the second faintest constellation in the zodiac.” Got that — SECOND faintest. You can’t even get that right. No wonder David Bowie keeps changing his appearance — he’s ashamed.
I’ll give you one thing, though: you are some fine-looking freaks: Bradley Cooper. Faye Dunaway. Ava Gardner. Cary Grant. Zooey Deschanel. Bob Denver. Donald Fagen. Jeff Bezos — aargh! — you see what happens when you try to walk a straight line in the crazy Capricorn world? It’s impossible.
Now to be fair, in your defense, you’ve got some brainiacs among you (Tycho Brahe; Louis Braille; Louis Pasteur; Stephen Hawking; Val Kilmer) and one or two people who have truly changed the world (until I can think of somebody you can at least claim George Foreman, who has helped millions manage to let the fat run off in those little channels).
Further, this sign’s bizarre mammalian ichthyosomatism does confer a singular advantage: it offers its sufferers the greatest likelihood that they will see a given topic from a variety of viewpoints — from goaty cliffside lookings-down to fishy peerings up from under the surface. Thus Capricorns often make outstanding writers: Asimov, Eco, Miller, Kipling, Salinger, Poe, and many others all went both ways. Others have commanding speechwriting and public speaking gifts (Martin Luther King, Larry Csonka) and many achieve success in areas requiring clarity of communication — it’s almost always a Capricorn you hear saying “Did you want to supersize that for a dollar more?” and “If your name isn’t on the list, your name isn’t on the list.”
So I guess the point is, Capricorn, like your poster child Muhammad Ali, you float like a… goat… and sting like a… fish… it can’t be done. I’m sorry.
Moving on.
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This month’s forecast: “Work It” will be cancelled. You will get something stuck in your teeth on the 21st that may be worth a large sum of money. Avoid giving birth while taking your driver’s test on the 31st.
Goat: A Memoir by Brad Land
Capricorn People by Aaron Fletcher
Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller
The Persistent Capricorn by Therrie Rosenvald
The Case of the Ill-Gotten Goat by Claudia Bishop
Always on the Run by Larry Csonka & Jim Kiick with Dave Anderson
And for a walk down memory lane……
hounds now follow a running man dragging a scented bag. Nevertheless, the traditional Boxing Day sight of all those hearty riders on huge glossy horses – the mounts stamping and champing in the cold air, the men marvelously bold in their scarlet coats, sipping hot mulled wine and calling out to old friends before the excitement of the hunt begins – always gives me the warm feeling that I have slipped a couple of hundred years into the past.
residents attended the post-Christmas sales – which is twenty per cent of the total population! The queues stretch around the block as people patiently wait for the stores to open; and when they do pandemonium ensues. Injuries sustained in the stampede are not uncommon.
But it would be a shame if, in the commercially-minded 21st century, we forgot that Boxing Day was originally a day on which those who have plenty give to those who are in need; we should remember that Boxing Day it is also Saint Stephen’s day, the Feast of Stephen mentioned in my favourite carol. Wenceslaus – who was in fact a 10th century Duke of Bohemia – ventured out on the Feast of Stephen to give a poor man food and wine and winter fuel; personifying the true spirit of Boxing Day.
being the first person to add lighted candles to a tree.
arrow with Mistletoe and gave it to Hoder, the blind god of winter who killed Balder with it. He was brought back to life by his mother when she shed tears that turned into Mistletoe berries, so Frigga kissed everyone who passed under the tree on which it grew. From that time on, anyone who stood under the mistletoe would receive only a kiss; no harm could come to him.
The first gifts given at Christmas were from the Magi (Wise Men) to Baby Jesus. Later, in Roman times, gift giving was popular during Saturnalia, a winter solstice celebration. The tradition as we know it today is derived from St. Nicholas, a bishop who was known for giving children presents..
candles in it. I explained to my fellow classmates that each candle represented a day, and each day a miracle. That God allowed that the oil that was only enough to burn for one day miraculously burned for eight days in order to consecrate the Temple. I went on about the Maccabee brothers, showed how to play Dreidel, even led them in song with “Hanukkah, O Hanukkah.” You know the one. It goes like this:
chocolate money or real money called Hanukkah Gelt (that’s Yiddish for Hanukkah money) and little toys. Gift giving was very recent in terms of the timeline. It was more in response to the Gentile neighbors giving gifts for Christmas as Hanukkah always falls near Christmas, though the date changes. It can be as early as November and as late as the very end of December. That’s because Jews follow the lunar calendar which tracks the phases of the moon and the all the feasts and holidays are moveable (ever wonder why Easter moves around? It has to follow Passover, right? Be kind of silly if it didn’t.)
aspects of the many holidays in which we participate spring forth from, and speak to, the very heart of our shared humanity. It is in light of this perceived interconnectedness, this pervasive and perennial celebration not only of the passage of time, but of our truest inner spirits, that I approach the end of each passing year.
We approach the winter solstice with no small amount of eagerness. On the day of that celestial event, as the Earth finally crosses the threshold of our shortest day, even without realizing it, we breath a collective sigh of relief. Huddled together, in spirit if not in person, we await the moment at which the hours of daylight begin to grow again. We forge ahead, across the whole of the northern hemisphere, thankful for having once more survived the darkest of months. And, while the coldest months still lie before us, with that darkest day of the solstice behind us we raise collective cries of gratitude and joyousness, affecting our happiest and most generous personas for the festivities with which we bid farewell to the year.
