Ruling planet: Luna
Birthstone: I don’t know, but I’d get that checked out if I were you
Cancer. CANCER. Really? Twelve months and eight million fluffy friendly animals and THAT’S what you pick? You know, I would think the whole point of the astrological chart is to help people reflect IN TRANQUILITY on their lives and worlds — in a word, destiny — and you offer CANCER? What kind of positive impact is THAT going to make? The other signs have nice names: Aquarius (ooh…), Libra (ahh…), Sagittarius (whoa…)… then BLAM! — CANCER! What?! What the — I mean nobody’s gonna choose to drive around in the “Ford Tumor”, are they? or the “Dodge Neoplasm?” right? Nobody’s gonna get up on the Broadway stage and start singing “This is the dawning of the Age of the topoisomerase inhibitor, tra la” and anyway that doesn’t scan AT ALL!
And it just gets worse, because oh, sure, you say “it’s just the Latin word for “crab” so yadda yadda yadda” — well I mean we don’t go around the garden and say, “Oh, look at all the cute little Lepuses!” — do we? It’s not “Who Killed Roger Lepus?”, am I right? No, it’s RABBIT. Nothing wrong with that, is there, “rabbit.” And if you met a cute girl in a bar and she told you she like totally believed in her crabness, would you ask her out? I know I wouldn’t. Well maybe. Depends on how cute. Point is, how would you know what kind of crabs she really was into? Would you wanna take that chance? And she’s not gonna call anyway, so I mean…
So I just think that calling it “cancer” is really unfair to the people born under this sign. Statistics’ll back me up on this, too — you think anybody with “CANCER!” hanging over their heads has ever accomplished anything that took confidence, or self-reliance or anything? Oh please —
— Helen Keller? Whined a lot as far as I know, at least Patty Duke did in the movie. And talk about table manners!
— Henry VIII? Started this whole social upheaval that influenced the course of human history and all ‘cuz he liked the ladies to LEAVE ALREADY (they all probably had crabs, so who can blame him?)
— Julius Caesar? Even his salad dressing has friggin’ ANCHOVIES in it, I mean, talk about being bitter
— Sylvester Stallone? Guy liked to beat up cows, I mean, come on
— Tom Hanks? Do you know ANYBODY that likes Tom Hanks?
— John Glen? That guy — OK maybe John Glen made a little something of himself, but he’s the ONLY ONE
So look, let’s all just agree that we’ll start calling it something nice, something pleasant to wake up to, like, uh… “The Soft-Shell Beachcomber”, that’s not bad at all. Or maybe “Buttersauce” if you wanna just sorta jump ahead there. At least it’s not freakin’ CANCER!
This month’s forecast: Dine out at least three times, but only within a two-block radius. Someone you want to confront will be a stronger opponent than you anticipate, especially for a nine-year-old girl. Wear only blue.
Some crabbish books for your reading pleasure:
A House for Hermit Crab by Eric Carle
The Crab: Legend of the Five Rings by Stan Brown
The Cranky Blue Crab by Dawn L. Watkins