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Posts Tagged ‘VostromoScope’

VostromoScope – Virgo

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

By Greg (VOSTROMO

 

 

Ruling planet: Mercury
Birthstone: Sapphire
Element: Kevlar
Sign: “Be Prepared To Stop”

Virgo is in an interesting position in the Zodiac, coming immediately after Leo, the most forceful of astrological characters — it’s as if “The Biggest Loser” was sponsored by Hostess, maker of HoHos, DingDongs, and SnoBalls: you respect the dedication though the frustration seems impossible to endure. Just a glance at some famous Virgos — Cameron Diaz, Claudia Schiffer, Raquel Welch, Rachel Ward, Sophia Loren, Sean Connery, Keanu Reeves, Hugh Grant — reveals why even the Virgo birthstone is blue.

Virgo is generally considered a warm, welcoming, accommodating sign, which would sound like a bad joke if you didn’t know about Mother Teresa, who, let’s face it, did some decent things without once going into Victoria’s Secret. Indeed chief among the characteristics of Virgo is dedication to service and sacrifice (though I suspect more than a few minds were changed on the way down to the bottom of the volcano). Etymologically “virga” is associated with youth, freshness and inexperience — which is what makes Charlie Sheen’s September birthday so puzzling! — and those born under this sign are almost never found under anything else, at least until college.

Virgos are also held among the more logical and analytical members of the Zodiac, and often enjoy participating in groups gathered around a central idea — AV Club, for example — though they often take great care pondering the ins and outs of topics, the thrusts and counter-thrusts of angles of entry to subjects, before opening their positions to further probing. If you meet a Virgo who seems ready and willing to go head-to-head with you without at least some preliminary manipulation, he or she is probably no Virgo at all! Emotionally, though, Virgos tend to be somewhat private and often keep to themselves — some people go their whole lives without ever encountering one on a deep level.

Lastly, this sign has graciously lent itself to one of the great vaudeville jokes of the age:

Distraught girl: “I’ve lost my virginity!”
Man: “Do you still have the box it came in?”

 

This month’s Forecast: To avoid misunderstandings, speak only French on the 19th. Those aren’t raisins. Today is the first day of the rest of your week.

 

 

The Virgo Club by Suzanne Power

 

Virgo Implants by Carmen and Theodore Peregrim

 

John Virgo’s Snooker Trick Shots by John Virgo and Jim Davidson

 

How to Live with a Virgo a Survival Guide by Daniel T Darmdy

 

Women Set Free by Wendy Virgo

 

Demeter’s Dilemma by Lucinda Mitchell

 

 

VostromoScope – Leo

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011

By Greg (VOSTROMO


Ruling planet: Sol
Element: Fire
Symbol: looks like Marlo Thomas to me
Birthstone: Peridot

Of all the Zodiacal signs, Leo is the one people most often think they can identify. The Lion as a symbol of power, control and fearlessness is so common across global societies that people often unconsciously affix those traits onto Leos without any prior consideration. Famous Leos like Amelia Earhart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hulk Hogan and Connie Chung would seem to offer support for the Leo-as-power interpretation of this hairy sign. But lions, real and symbolic, have other traits which must be accounted for and assigned where not, perhaps, immediately apparent.

A few examples:

(1) Lions are inactive for up to 20 hours per day — applying this trait as a filter, the lives of such notables as Percy Bysshe Shelley, Jerry Garcia and Mata Hari make more sense (ok maybe Mata Hari wasn’t technically “inactive” but she was certainly lying down).

(2) Full-grown lions weigh an average of 450lbs and may eat up to 75lbs of food at a single sitting. That’s right, Dom DeLuise, I’m looking at you.

(3) Males, despite their superior physical stature, rely on females for their food. Yves St. Laurent? John Derek? Claus von Bulow? Bill Clinton? ‘Nuff said.

(4) Lions in heat will couple up to 40 times per day. *sigh* OK, here we go: Mick Jagger, Magic Johnson (indeed!), Wilt Chamberlain, Herbert Hoover…

(5) Females raise their tails to send a “follow me” signal. I almost don’t want to go there, but — oh look, isn’t that Shelley Winters by — uh, making off with — the canapes? Where is she… is that DeLuise behind the…

(6) Males mark their territory to “stake their claim” to certain lands. Does the name Neil Armstrong ring a bell? TE Lawrence? Napoleon? Mussolini?

So treat Leos with the respectful reserve their intense gifts deserve, but also the circumspection their more hidden aspects require. Leos make excellent friends and life partners (and also great, really just flat-out terrific jewel thieves) but may not be the best diplomats, hostage negotiators, or mothers-in-law. They are sexy, dominant lovers, but you’d best have your own health insurance. And toothbrush. And bring extra napkins, or wipey things. Towelettes, that’s the name.

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This month’s forecast:

It sounds insane, but I predict that “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II” will dominate at the box office.

John Boehner will look as if his tie is too tight even though it’s really a clip-on.

Don’t order the pate on the 12th, they ran out, it’s Fancy Feast.

 

 

Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus

 

Welcome To Leo’s by Rochelle Alers, Donna Hill, Brenda Jackson, Francis Ray

 

The Bum’s Rush: A Leo Waterman Mystery by G.M. Ford

 

Lair of the Lion by Christine Feehan

 

The Lion’s Game by Nelson DeMille

 

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis

 

Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Lion’s Mane by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

Bob Marley: Conquering Lion of Reggae by Stephen Davis

 

 

 

 

VostromoScope – Cancer

Thursday, June 30th, 2011

 

Element: Water
Ruling planet: Luna
Symbol: Crab
Birthstone: I don’t know, but I’d get that checked out if I were you

Cancer. CANCER. Really? Twelve months and eight million fluffy friendly animals and THAT’S what you pick? You know, I would think the whole point of the astrological chart is to help people reflect IN TRANQUILITY on their lives and worlds — in a word, destiny — and you offer CANCER? What kind of positive impact is THAT going to make? The other signs have nice names: Aquarius (ooh…), Libra (ahh…), Sagittarius (whoa…)… then BLAM! — CANCER! What?! What the — I mean nobody’s gonna choose to drive around in the “Ford Tumor”, are they? or the “Dodge Neoplasm?” right? Nobody’s gonna get up on the Broadway stage and start singing “This is the dawning of the Age of the topoisomerase inhibitor, tra la” and anyway that doesn’t scan AT ALL!

And it just gets worse, because oh, sure, you say “it’s just the Latin word for “crab” so yadda yadda yadda” — well I mean we don’t go around the garden and say, “Oh, look at all the cute little Lepuses!” — do we? It’s not “Who Killed Roger Lepus?”, am I right? No, it’s RABBIT. Nothing wrong with that, is there, “rabbit.” And if you met a cute girl in a bar and she told you she like totally believed in her crabness, would you ask her out? I know I wouldn’t. Well maybe. Depends on how cute. Point is, how would you know what kind of crabs she really was into? Would you wanna take that chance? And she’s not gonna call anyway, so I mean…

So I just think that calling it “cancer” is really unfair to the people born under this sign. Statistics’ll back me up on this, too — you think anybody with “CANCER!” hanging over their heads has ever accomplished anything that took confidence, or self-reliance or anything? Oh please —

— Helen Keller? Whined a lot as far as I know, at least Patty Duke did in the movie. And talk about table manners!
— Henry VIII? Started this whole social upheaval that influenced the course of human history and all ‘cuz he liked the ladies to LEAVE ALREADY (they all probably had crabs, so who can blame him?)
— Julius Caesar? Even his salad dressing has friggin’ ANCHOVIES in it, I mean, talk about being bitter
— Sylvester Stallone? Guy liked to beat up cows, I mean, come on
— Tom Hanks? Do you know ANYBODY that likes Tom Hanks?
— John Glen? That guy — OK maybe John Glen made a little something of himself, but he’s the ONLY ONE

So look, let’s all just agree that we’ll start calling it something nice, something pleasant to wake up to, like, uh… “The Soft-Shell Beachcomber”, that’s not bad at all. Or maybe “Buttersauce” if you wanna just sorta jump ahead there. At least it’s not freakin’ CANCER!

This month’s forecast: Dine out at least three times, but only within a two-block radius. Someone you want to confront will be a stronger opponent than you anticipate, especially for a nine-year-old girl. Wear only blue.

 

Some crabbish books for your reading pleasure:

A House for Hermit Crab by Eric Carle

 

The Crab: Legend of the Five Rings by  Stan Brown

 

The Cranky Blue Crab by Dawn L. Watkins

 

Tip on a Dead Crab by William Murray
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I Love Crab Cakes by Tom Douglas
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Greg-O-Scope for Taurus

Thursday, April 21st, 2011

Element: Earth
Ruling planet: Venus
Symbol: The Bull
Birthstone: Sharon

Taureans are famous for maintaining a strong grip on their public personas: “cool”, “calm” and “collected” are “three Cs” of Taurean psychology (the others are “cranky”, “crapulent” and “completely untrustworthy”). Taureans are charismatic but prefer to stay apart from the crowds they themselves inspire — many famous Taureans, including but not limited to, Candice Bergen, Annette Bening, Uma Thurman, Shirley MacLaine and Eva Peron have all sought restraining orders against me. Indeed it was a Taurean, George Boldt, who invented the “velvet rope” barrier system still in use at social clubs, and my wife’s half of the apartment, today.

Taureans try to hide the depth of their thoughts and feelings, frequently leading others to find them standoffish, distant, and guarded. Of course this generalization is the merest folly, because in reality Taureans don’t think or feel anything. But non-Taureans who find themselves in emotional relationships with members of the bull-headed group may feel like they’re losing their minds — not so far off for those who knew Taureans Lucrezia Borgia and Robespierre — and the incidence of marital strife among Taureans is somewhat high, especially during the ceremony.

Taureans, as earth signs, are highly attuned to natural, sensual experiences, and have an eye for creature comforts (except where that’s still illegal). Their homes are filled with deep carpets, soft cushions, beautiful art, and former girlfriends. Taureans love to engage all their senses, and dislike being cut off from the natural world — they prefer a walk in the woods to a 5-star hotel, though possibly that’s because as a group they have been banned for life from most major chains. They prefer a home-cooked meal to a Michelin-starred restaurant, unless there’s an easily-accessible, and unguarded, rear door. And they prefer the direct approach when it comes to romance and sex — a Taurean man or woman bent on seduction is like the bull for which they’re named: vital, strong, passionate, dirty, and powerfully rich in wild odors.

Taureans have little tolerance for pretense, and the people and things they surround themselves with are chosen without regard to whether they will please others, or have valid passports. Since they can see through even sophisticated deceptions, Taureans often find gainful employment as… ah, who are we kidding, they’re usually unemployed.

This month’s forecast: Change your ATM PIN on the 9th to avoid embarrassment. A former flame may seek help, so don’t sleep at home. Put that down.

 

Some Bullish books that may contain further information on Taureans:

Greg-O-Scope – Aries the Ram

Friday, April 1st, 2011

Just in time for April Fool’s Day, we are please to roll out a new regular feature!  Our own Greg (VOSTROMO) has graciously agreed to provide our (his) faithful followers with their very own Greg-O-Scope.

ARIES
Element: Fire
Symbol: The Ram
Ruling planet: Mars
Birthstone: Dental Amalgam

Aries: a fire sign, Aries women are often admired for their beauty (actress Olivia Hussey and Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor are famous examples) while men often achieve fame as athletes (Pat Robertson, Anita Bryant). Aries are adventurous, active, outgoing, and prone to shoplifting.

Ruled by Mars, they can be startlingly aggressive — they will often refuse to water houseplants that do not grow towards them — but also surprisingly trusting, especially in romantic terms (Aries are clients on “Cheaters” 36% more often than other signs).

Aries is a physical sign, with a high masculine essence, and many Aries become successful sports figures, astronauts, and bagel quality-control supervisors. They love to travel and explore the remotest edges of the world, often without bringing any underwear — indeed, non-Aries travellers often meet them along the way to places thought unexplored, only to find their wallets missing shortly thereafter.

This emphasis on the physical, masculine, activity-oriented personality has drawbacks, however — Aries can be intolerant of restrictions, and in modern, crowded society this can leave them at a loss for compromise: while house-hunting, Aries will often just move into their realtor’s home; if injured, Aries demand to be placed at the top of transplant lists, often for organs they do not need, like brains. Similarly, when applying for jobs, Aries may point out to a prospective boss all the reasons why his or her company will be going down the toilet, even if they are hired. These full-steam-ahead tendencies are one reason why Aries make excellent crash-test dummies.

This month’s forecast: Avoid the Redbox on Washington & 29th Street on the 17th. When paying taxes, use American currency if possible. Look for love in hallway mirrors.

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For further study and information, Greg has provided these book suggestions:

Coming Soon: Taurus