Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble by H.P. Mallory
Review by Dana (daedelys)
This was definitely not one of the best books that I’ve taken
the time to read. I do have to admit that I was initially a little excited
to see a paranormal romance series that I hadn’t read yet, but when I sat
down to read this, I discovered why people will procrastinate finishing a
novel.
I found that the author’s writing style is just too simple. I
like reading a book with lots of description to make me feel like I’m there,
able to experience the surrounding almost like the characters, and this one
just didn’t deliver. I quickly got sick of short, vaguely descriptive
paragraphs that very often only had one sentence. These short abrupt bursts
of thought by the writer just didn’t do well when it came to trying to pull
me into the story. I found it rather sad that the author, or publisher,
didn’t take the time to use a more critical eye when it came to editing the
rough draft because that’s what this “finished” piece really feels like.
It’s just abundant with choppy, random thoughts that disrupt the flow of the
story.
I also was distracted by the either inappropriate or just plain
stupid analogies that the author, who’s name I hope to forget after this
review, constantly peppered throughout the story. When I’m reading a steamy
scene, I don’t want frenzied breathing compared to a deer being shot. This,
coupled with the writer trying to make up new words like “teletransport”
instead of just using “teleport” so that her story has something unique in
it was another eye-roller for me.
There’s also just too many things happening that I feel that the
author added because she felt she need to get it all into one novel. At
times, I felt more like I was reading a series of short stories put together
instead of one long continuous one. Plus, I this book just doesn’t deliver
what I’ve come to consider “romance” substance. If you’re looking for some
hot sex, you won’t find it in this one. Mostly, there’s just a lot of
teasing and some petting (no pun intended as Jolie does even manage to date
a werewolf-give her time, I’m sure she’ll find a vampire, too) that is at
best awkward and, thankfully, brief.
The characters in this story are all so vapid that it would
amaze me if much thought was given into developing them. You are pretty
much going to know if they are to be “good” or “bad” in the story
immediately upon our heroine meeting them and letting us know what she
thinks of them.
That is, if she could think. Overall, I found the female lead
in this book to be TSTL (too stupid to live) as she bumbled her way
throughout her printed adventure. Jolie, as she is called, appears to think
of herself as a down-to-earth, Plain-Jane who’s been holed-up from the
dating world and just isn’t attractive to men. Yet, after being outed as
witch, just about every Tom, Dick and Harry in the Underworld that she comes
across is attracted to her and she just can’t help but be attracted to just
about all of them. I mean really, a girl who remembers her first, and only,
time as being unpleasant is not going to be constantly wanting to ice her
own cupcake over ever guy she trips over like the one in this book does. It
just made me want to gag, because I guess I expect a romance to actually
have a couple who were going to experience something romantic, but instead
it felt like watching some teenage drama with the new girl in high school
flirtingly teasing all the boys and then not understanding why the guys get
upset. The goody-goody turned sex-kitten just got old fast.
Jolie’s best friend, Christina, isn’t much better and I was put
off by the “best friend” who flirts with Jolie’s (albeit initial) love
interest. Once again, another reason to dislike our lead character is when
we wonder why she would keep such a friend who needs to be bespelled in
order to NOT hit on, Rand, one of Jolie’s “men”.
I would get into describing the men in this book, but why
bother? If they’re good guys, they are probably going to be described as
delectable and if they are bad they will be sinister and menacing. The
author’s not very creative and I don’t see her being able to write a truly
gripping suspense novel any time soon.
As for their magic and special abilities, I found the characters
just too powerful to keep the story interesting and me wondering what would
happen next. Even for a fantasy world setting, this book really stretches
the “believable”. It has a very Charlaine Harris-like feel to the world,
which just gets beyond ridiculous at times. The spells that are used, and
their frequency, might have sounded wonderful to the author when she wrote
the book, but they are really quite lame for anyone who’s spent time reading
fantasy novels where characters can’t just “focus” anything they need into
being. I felt that these types of scenarios just made the story lose
credibility when any little problem equivalent to a hang-nail could, and
would, be solved in two, okay maybe three since they are short, paragraphs.
Then, the story took a turn for the worse when Jolie is pretty
much compared to as some sort of messiah to the Underworld she’s become part
of by being discovered to be a witch. It was at that point, that I realized
even though I would finish this book, I didn’t want to see what the rest of
the series would turn out to be like.
Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of moments where I
thought that the book had taken a turn for the better and I would be diggin’
it and it would be great, but it would usually do something to nose-dive
shortly afterwards and I would again find myself playing some Black Ops
because getting pwned repeatedly by thirteen-year-olds was infinitely better
than having to trudge through the pages of something bad.
Call me crazy, but I felt I came away from this novel feeling
quite pessimistic. Perhaps it was the author’s way of writing that the cup
is half empty instead of half full that left me feeling bitter. The world
described through the lead character’s eyes seems to be one in which
everything that surrounds the Jolie either annoys her or is out to get her
(music’s too loud, no one’s paying attention to her, too many people are
paying attention to her, etc.). I understand that in the past, previous
authors have pioneered contemporary romance into something that is fun and
cheeky and fresh. But, when someone like this author figures they can do it
to make a buck, too, they haven’t figured out the saying “Less is More”.
The quips were cute at first but eventually made me want to gnaw on
something like an angry puppy. The lack of originality just becomes more
apparent with each flip of a page.
Will I read anything by this author again? I certainly hope
not. But, if you are an easy-to-please reader, you may like this book. I
tend to find myself too easily distracted by poor writing to truly enjoy a
story like this because I hope to discover something more worth my time out
there.
