– Paula Abdul: sings in English, speaks in her own language
– Clint Eastwood: talks like a normal person on Leno, growls throughout every movie
– Ian Fleming: gave us James Bond, also wrote “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”
– Jean-Paul Sartre: decided there is no God, then talked to an imaginary lobster
– Boy George: both sexes, and neither
– Drew Carey: hilarious when fat, but where is he now?
– Brooke Shields: still hasn’t returned any of my calls

But the double-sided construction of Geminis may be overemphasized, to the detriment of their many singular contributions to world culture:

– Thomas Mann: considered one of the most important writers in history, if only somebody would read his books
– Erich Segal: single-handedly responsible for the decline of American masculinity
– Paul McCartney: just keeps getting married
– Laurence Olivier: arguably the greatest actor in history, voluntarily made “The Betsy”
– Lionel Richie: also single-handedly responsible for the decline of American masculinity
– Ruth Westheimer: still hasn’t returned any of my calls

So Geminis are creative, witty, strong-willed, and sometimes clean. They love eclecticism, but can’t spell it. They are fearless and provocative lovers, but never pick up the check. They are often physically beautiful, but keep blocking my number. Gemini, which side are you on?

This month’s forecast: Celebrate your birthday on the 16th regardless of the actual date. Avoid anything fruit-filled. Really, I’ve changed.