Element: Earth
Ruling planet: Venus
Symbol: The Bull
Birthstone: Sharon

Taureans are famous for maintaining a strong grip on their public personas: “cool”, “calm” and “collected” are “three Cs” of Taurean psychology (the others are “cranky”, “crapulent” and “completely untrustworthy”). Taureans are charismatic but prefer to stay apart from the crowds they themselves inspire — many famous Taureans, including but not limited to, Candice Bergen, Annette Bening, Uma Thurman, Shirley MacLaine and Eva Peron have all sought restraining orders against me. Indeed it was a Taurean, George Boldt, who invented the “velvet rope” barrier system still in use at social clubs, and my wife’s half of the apartment, today.

Taureans try to hide the depth of their thoughts and feelings, frequently leading others to find them standoffish, distant, and guarded. Of course this generalization is the merest folly, because in reality Taureans don’t think or feel anything. But non-Taureans who find themselves in emotional relationships with members of the bull-headed group may feel like they’re losing their minds — not so far off for those who knew Taureans Lucrezia Borgia and Robespierre — and the incidence of marital strife among Taureans is somewhat high, especially during the ceremony.

Taureans, as earth signs, are highly attuned to natural, sensual experiences, and have an eye for creature comforts (except where that’s still illegal). Their homes are filled with deep carpets, soft cushions, beautiful art, and former girlfriends. Taureans love to engage all their senses, and dislike being cut off from the natural world — they prefer a walk in the woods to a 5-star hotel, though possibly that’s because as a group they have been banned for life from most major chains. They prefer a home-cooked meal to a Michelin-starred restaurant, unless there’s an easily-accessible, and unguarded, rear door. And they prefer the direct approach when it comes to romance and sex — a Taurean man or woman bent on seduction is like the bull for which they’re named: vital, strong, passionate, dirty, and powerfully rich in wild odors.

Taureans have little tolerance for pretense, and the people and things they surround themselves with are chosen without regard to whether they will please others, or have valid passports. Since they can see through even sophisticated deceptions, Taureans often find gainful employment as… ah, who are we kidding, they’re usually unemployed.

This month’s forecast: Change your ATM PIN on the 9th to avoid embarrassment. A former flame may seek help, so don’t sleep at home. Put that down.

Some Bullish books that may contain further information on Taureans: