Thankstromoing Day ~ 2012 AD

By Greg Vostromo

Minions! As we join families, friends, my ex-brother-in-law’s really annoying new “horizontal consultant” who we’re all certain has an Adam’s apple (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and aren’t sure why they showed up, it’s traditional, if oft overlooked, to take a few minutes and express thanks for all the wonders of the world and age we live in, that we so often take from their rightful owners for granted. Life is full of great moments and small, bliss and heartache; for every Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffle there’s a loaf of meat on a tin tray calling itself a Salisbury Steak; for every Chipotle there’s Yours Truly, who can’t seem to eat them without dropping the whole thing all over the table no matter how carefully I follow the unwrapping instructions on the napkin; for each 99 Cent Store some tiny black-on-black print reading and up…

No matter: one day the year we look to only that which makes our passing sojourns on this planet (wave to Newt Gingrich on Moon Base Alpha if you’re reading this anytime after 2027) the amazing and unlikely things they are. So keep looking for my sister, who did not after all lock herself in the woodshed, which we might have expected since this is a 12^th floor apartment, though she clearly did make off with a bottle of Riunite and the cheesecake, but no silverware, so time is of the essence; take the wallet hand of the person next to you, unless – no, especially if – you’re on line for the bathroom at Starbucks, raise it to the sky, and cry out I am thankful! and remember the old cartoon, where a man standing by a factory wall emblazoned with CASEY’S TOOL WORKS says So does mine, but I don’t go advertising it.

Some things to be thankful for since the VostromoScope debuted in April of 2011:

• more Bolivians live in Bolivia than ever before ~ https://www.google.com/publicdata/explore?ds=d5bncppjof8f9_&met_y=sp_pop_totl&idim=country:BOL&dl=en

• the world made the acquaintance of Pippa Middleton and as a result, ordinary people found love ~ http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/6k-pippa-middleton-bum-surgery-784913

• nobody planks anymore ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eul6sfxihg

• this woman finally met her husband of 41 years ~ http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/port-lincoln-man-shaves-for-the-first-time-in-41-years/story-e6frea6u-1226086253353

• this stuff went on sale ~ http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/marmalade-could-be-toast-if-bacon-jam-150169

• men and women finally achieved true equality ~ http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/873707-aline-westphal-becomes-first-female-air-guitar-world-champion

• humans: 1 – humanity: 1 ~ http://www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/cumbrian-firemen-demolish-wall-to-free-wedged-kitten-1.939900

• this guy ~ http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Mensa-accepts-3-year-old-Houston-boy-3764545.php and this girl ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YixG7b0g6BE

• raingear ~ http://inventorspot.com/articles/lettucelike_vegetabrella_turns_rainy_days_salad_days

• candy! ~ http://www.weirdasianews.com/2009/09/03/japan-introduces-veggie-kitkat/

OK I’m not sure about that last one, but still.

So as you plate your ‘tates, entuck into your TurDuckEn, and wonder if there’s enough alcohol in the cranberry sauce to make it all bearable; as you fall into the groaning sofa and fool yourself into believing nobody saw you loosen your pants; as you insist against all familial experience that you are fully awake and you absolutely did see that last, NFL-record-setting play; as you wonder just how long it will be before you can reasonably say that perhaps it is time to go so you can beat the traffic, even as you hear the memoried echoes of that very sentence and wonder how you turned into your parents through some occult Novemberal trickery; as you find yourself taking a surprising small moment, alone for the first time in endless hours, walking solo to unlock the car, breath fogging in the greyblue evening light, in recognition of the blessings of fate that have all your loved ones, and the rest of the family too, heck, even the generously-gendered “horizontal consultant” itself, though now that you think about it nobody found Natalie or got any cheesecake, alive, o’erroofed, warmthed and fedful, remember what is really important at this reflective time of every year: me.

By golly, that is her ~ how did she ~ touchdown!

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