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VostromoScope – Aquarius



Birthstone: Amethyst  
Symbol: The Water Bearer (not “The Jugs”)
Ruling planet: Uranus (not mine)
Element: Alka-Seltzer


Aquarius. Nature’s way of saying “Some day, your son or daughter will appear naked onstage.” (NB: In northern California it is widely regarded as code for “We sell broken pieces of common minerals at inflated prices and dig the incense, man.”)


courtesy of NASA

Aquarians are ruled by Uranus (not mine) and this makes them unusual in that Uranus (not mine) is traditionally the bringer of change, but change which must occur within the eternal zodiacal cycle. When Uranus (not mine) passes closest by Earth in its elliptical 84-year solar orbit, sociopolitical, intellectual, and technological upheavals may sweep across our world, be they global or personal. This eternal/periodical conflation is symbolized well in Aquarian Shakira, whose hips swing periodically back and forth — change — while never leaving her body — eternity — though I have tried.




Of course, like all change, some is for the better, some the worse. Global examples include the discovery of fire, the Renaissance, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, and Edison’s electric light; but also the 8-track tape cartridge, high fructose corn syrup, and Paris Hilton. Personal examples include Jillian Michaels losing all that weight, Justin Timberlake finally proposing to Jessica Biel, and Jennifer Aniston never losing hope; but also Ashton Kutcher’s taking over on ‘Two and a Half Men’, Oprah moving to LA, and Sarah Palin. Yes, Aquarians are behind it all.


Individually Aquarians are lovers of life and readily embrace challenges, broad groups of friends, new experiences, and strangers just waiting for the bus. They make friends readily, because they are so willing to lend money and cannot grasp the point of, nor correctly spell, “receipt”. But their watery approachability has a dark side — Aquarians often get carried away with the strength of their own emotions, and fall in love easily, letting the tide of passion rush over them, only to notice the seaweed of discord too late, when the piranhas of betrayal hiding behind it have already led the killer whale of loneliness to their inflatable rafts of dashed hope and misery.



So light up some Nag Champa, put on “Hips Don’t Lie”, try on your merkin, and think of England — after all, they’re not looking at YOUR body, they’re looking at the CHARACTER’S body. World of difference, unless it’s really cold.


This month’s forecast: Rooney Mara will legally change her name to Andy Rooney Mara. Sean Penn will buy the Falkland Islands and turn them over to a consortium of Jessica Biel, Jennifer Aniston, Jillian Michaels and Ashton Kutcher, then realize his mistake and re-dedicate them to housing Sarah Palin. You have a container of yogurt in the back of the fridge dating from 1974.




Escape from the Island of Aquarius by Frank E. Peretti


Legends of Incense Herb and Oil Magic by Lewis deClaremont


Wild Flowers of the Falkland Islands by
T.H. Davies, J.H. McAdam and the Falkland Islands Trust


Uranus: The Seventh Planet by Michael D. Cole




5 Responses to “VostromoScope – Aquarius”

  1. Lori B. says:

    Aquarians are my friends. I aspire to mystic crystal revelations and the minds true liberation. When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide our planet and love will steer the stars. Thank you for the update, Vostromo!

  2. Jerelyn H. (I-F-Letty) says:

    If the dawning of the age of Aquarius was like 42 years ago is it bedtime yet?

  3. Whitney (whitneyab) , says:

    What if I can’t find a merkin? Then what?

  4. Robin K. (jubead) says:

    I didn’t think I would see a VostromoScope for Aquarians – since we have passed into Pisces territory.

    This was the best VostromoScope so far! Did I give it away that I am an Aquarian 🙂

  5. VOSTROMO says:

    Apologies for delays, the Muse — Thalia’s little sister Peggy, Goddess of Mediocrity — comes when She will, only.

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