By Greg (VOSTROMO) 

Ruling planet: Sol
Element: Fire
Symbol: looks like Marlo Thomas to me
Birthstone: Peridot

Of all the Zodiacal signs, Leo is the one people most often think they can identify. The Lion as a symbol of power, control and fearlessness is so common across global societies that people often unconsciously affix those traits onto Leos without any prior consideration. Famous Leos like Amelia Earhart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hulk Hogan and Connie Chung would seem to offer support for the Leo-as-power interpretation of this hairy sign. But lions, real and symbolic, have other traits which must be accounted for and assigned where not, perhaps, immediately apparent.

A few examples:

(1) Lions are inactive for up to 20 hours per day — applying this trait as a filter, the lives of such notables as Percy Bysshe Shelley, Jerry Garcia and Mata Hari make more sense (ok maybe Mata Hari wasn’t technically “inactive” but she was certainly lying down).

(2) Full-grown lions weigh an average of 450lbs and may eat up to 75lbs of food at a single sitting. That’s right, Dom DeLuise, I’m looking at you.

(3) Males, despite their superior physical stature, rely on females for their food. Yves St. Laurent? John Derek? Claus von Bulow? Bill Clinton? ‘Nuff said.

(4) Lions in heat will couple up to 40 times per day. *sigh* OK, here we go: Mick Jagger, Magic Johnson (indeed!), Wilt Chamberlain, Herbert Hoover…

(5) Females raise their tails to send a “follow me” signal. I almost don’t want to go there, but — oh look, isn’t that Shelley Winters by — uh, making off with — the canapes? Where is she… is that DeLuise behind the…

(6) Males mark their territory to “stake their claim” to certain lands. Does the name Neil Armstrong ring a bell? TE Lawrence? Napoleon? Mussolini?

So treat Leos with the respectful reserve their intense gifts deserve, but also the circumspection their more hidden aspects require. Leos make excellent friends and life partners (and also great, really just flat-out terrific jewel thieves) but may not be the best diplomats, hostage negotiators, or mothers-in-law. They are sexy, dominant lovers, but you’d best have your own health insurance. And toothbrush. And bring extra napkins, or wipey things. Towelettes, that’s the name.

*****

This month’s forecast:

It sounds insane, but I predict that “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II” will dominate at the box office.

John Boehner will look as if his tie is too tight even though it’s really a clip-on.

Don’t order the pate on the 12th, they ran out, it’s Fancy Feast.

Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus

Welcome To Leo’s by Rochelle Alers, Donna Hill, Brenda Jackson, Francis Ray

The Bum’s Rush: A Leo Waterman Mystery by G.M. Ford

Lair of the Lion by Christine Feehan

The Lion’s Game by Nelson DeMille

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis

Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Lion’s Mane by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Bob Marley: Conquering Lion of Reggae by Stephen Davis

Element: Water
Ruling planet: Luna
Symbol: Crab
Birthstone: I don’t know, but I’d get that checked out if I were you

Cancer. CANCER. Really? Twelve months and eight million fluffy friendly animals and THAT’S what you pick? You know, I would think the whole point of the astrological chart is to help people reflect IN TRANQUILITY on their lives and worlds — in a word, destiny — and you offer CANCER? What kind of positive impact is THAT going to make? The other signs have nice names: Aquarius (ooh…), Libra (ahh…), Sagittarius (whoa…)… then BLAM! — CANCER! What?! What the — I mean nobody’s gonna choose to drive around in the “Ford Tumor”, are they? or the “Dodge Neoplasm?” right? Nobody’s gonna get up on the Broadway stage and start singing “This is the dawning of the Age of the topoisomerase inhibitor, tra la” and anyway that doesn’t scan AT ALL!

And it just gets worse, because oh, sure, you say “it’s just the Latin word for “crab” so yadda yadda yadda” — well I mean we don’t go around the garden and say, “Oh, look at all the cute little Lepuses!” — do we? It’s not “Who Killed Roger Lepus?”, am I right? No, it’s RABBIT. Nothing wrong with that, is there, “rabbit.” And if you met a cute girl in a bar and she told you she like totally believed in her crabness, would you ask her out? I know I wouldn’t. Well maybe. Depends on how cute. Point is, how would you know what kind of crabs she really was into? Would you wanna take that chance? And she’s not gonna call anyway, so I mean…

So I just think that calling it “cancer” is really unfair to the people born under this sign. Statistics’ll back me up on this, too — you think anybody with “CANCER!” hanging over their heads has ever accomplished anything that took confidence, or self-reliance or anything? Oh please —

— Helen Keller? Whined a lot as far as I know, at least Patty Duke did in the movie. And talk about table manners!
— Henry VIII? Started this whole social upheaval that influenced the course of human history and all ‘cuz he liked the ladies to LEAVE ALREADY (they all probably had crabs, so who can blame him?)
— Julius Caesar? Even his salad dressing has friggin’ ANCHOVIES in it, I mean, talk about being bitter
— Sylvester Stallone? Guy liked to beat up cows, I mean, come on
— Tom Hanks? Do you know ANYBODY that likes Tom Hanks?
— John Glen? That guy — OK maybe John Glen made a little something of himself, but he’s the ONLY ONE

So look, let’s all just agree that we’ll start calling it something nice, something pleasant to wake up to, like, uh… “The Soft-Shell Beachcomber”, that’s not bad at all. Or maybe “Buttersauce” if you wanna just sorta jump ahead there. At least it’s not freakin’ CANCER!

This month’s forecast: Dine out at least three times, but only within a two-block radius. Someone you want to confront will be a stronger opponent than you anticipate, especially for a nine-year-old girl. Wear only blue.

Some crabbish books for your reading pleasure:

A House for Hermit Crab by Eric Carle

The Crab: Legend of the Five Rings by  Stan Brown

The Cranky Blue Crab by Dawn L. Watkins